Enjoy The Journey.
It happens the most this time of year.
Yes, there are moments throughout a year it comes to mind but its nothing like these winter months. The time between busy endings and busy beginnings. It eats away at me little by little as the months fade into history. Most days are nothing. Some days are downright rotten. Its there, all year, for me to think about but it rears its ugly head the most right now. Right now when I should be catching my breath; when I should be the most relaxed and calm; when I should be sitting at my desk with my hands behind my head and smiling at what I just accomplished.
But I can't help but feel something is missing. And not something small but something large. Something that is going to change everything for years to come. Something big enough to alter my course and change my path.
Does it happen to you as well?
If you haven't guessed it yet I'm referring to the one thing most, if not all, artists deal with. There really isn't a popular name for it. It just happens. It's just IT.
IT is incredibly annoying. IT eats away at me sometimes on a daily basis. IT is lying to me. IT is making me feel confused and questions my skill. IT plays dirty. IT sits there waiting for the right moment and when I am least expecting it there IT is. Right there. Right in front of my face just staring back at me. Questioning me. Judging me. Staring me down. I can't stand that pressure so look away and begin to feel sorry and bad.
But not about ME. No, I don't feel sorry or bad as an individual. I feel bad about my photography. My art. What I choose to show the world.
Now you know (if you still haven't related). An easier way to put it is as follows:
I feel like my photography sucks.
There it is. I put it on there in the world. Maybe I can send out the bad vibes only to be squashed by good ones. I hope so. Because this is ongoing. It happens every year since I ventured into a love for this art. But don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for pity or sympathy or for someone to tell me I'm good at what I do. I know this will pass. It always does. In a month or two I will be busy again and I will push on through the year and create wonderful images for amazing clients and all will be good. But every so often as if its lurking in the shadows IT will remind me that it's there. IT will smirk at me and laugh silently. And I will once again become uncomfortable and feel crappy. If only for a moment.
Is this what comes along with the "artist" tag? Is this some kind of natural instinct to remind me that I have a lot more to live and learn? I like to think this kind of feeling is worthwhile. It keeps me on my toes. It keeps me striving to become a better photographer. It keeps my ego in check. As cliche as it may sound ... it keeps things real. So maybe I should welcome the sadness and frustration. And when I find myself staring at nothing and thinking the worst of my work I should remember that I am good at what I do and look back at how far I've come. IT fuels my fire to create. IT has a place in my life.
My buddy Aron recently gave me some good advice on the subject ...
IT will always be there. Thats the deal. Enjoy the journey.